2008 Kickoff

Fairly decent buzz going so excuse the fuck ups. Without further adou (adius? adieu? Freddy Adu?); this is just going to be a series of drunken ramblings:

- the other day I watched The Last Boy Scout for the first time. I'm embarassed to admit that I'd never seen it. You know how it is. You're sitting around with a bunch of people and someone brings up a movie that everyone on the planet but you and the starving kid in Africa with the bugs nipping at his forehead have seen and you have two options: number one, pretend you saw it and keep your mouth shut, desperately praying for someone to change the subject, or two, admit you haven't seen it which is akin to admitting you are a fucking leper with multiple gaping sores. The Last Boy Scout is one of those movies where I've gone years choosing option one. Pretty good movie. One question though. Why no sequel? Bruce Willis in his prime, Damon Wayans at his peak, the black-white buddy action/comedy scene was booming, why no Last Eagle Scout? Anyone?

- Also saw Baseketball for the first time. Worth watching (not buying), especially if you're on something. On second thought, make sure you're on something.

- Keeping with the movie theme, bringing it into this decade now. The Kingdom was actually pretty good too. I was expecting the usual Hollywood anti-American bullshit but this flick was pro-us, anti-them and made me want to take the Enola Gay for one more spin around the globe with full cargo (for half the ride). If you don't get that reference, open a fucking history textbook to the chapter on whooping ass.

- Lame fucking bowl season so far. Here's where they are losing me. Take Hawaii-Georgia for instance (and this is not a knock on either team). You know what, fuck it. Hawaii got stuck with maybe the best team in the country across the field and the Warriors are unjustly getting reamed for it. Take OU-WVU. Let's say its mid-September. You pick up the paper and these teams are playing against each other. Good ballplayers, good programs, good fans, good matchup, if its on TV you'll watch it, but you didn't bust a nut in your drawers when you saw they were playing each other. Now why in the fuck am I supposed to get more excited for this game in January now that it has the letters BCS followed by the name of a nacho chip manufacturer in front of it? It isn't for the title, they can't win the title, it has the same significance as a pre-season NFL game.

- One exception to the lame bowl season comment, the Florida-Michigan game. I don't remember seeing anyone who thought Michigan would cover the spread, nonetheless win the game. Exciting game. Great way to go out for the Michigan seniors who had largely disappointing college careers (by Michigan Football standards, not by me passing out behind a dumpster on Fordham Road level college standards). Everyone knocks Lloyd for going 6-7 against THE OSU. That also means he was a couple of bounces from going 7-6. Enjoy retirement Lloyd, you've earned it and the right to give your detractors a gigantic middle finger.

- I feel like the early college hoop season has passed me by and I've totally missed it. I've seen some good action but most of the time I turn on ESPN and its UNC trouncing some scrub team by 35. Are they that good? Has this season been completely devoid of interesting storylines or is that just me?

- In closing, a very fond farewell to Miami Hurricane great Warren Sapp who announced his retirement this week. In the case that he comes back (a distinct possibility), I will copy and paste this tribute again when he retires (again). This may come as a shock to some, but I rank Warren Sapp as one of the five best football players I have ever seen. When I say seen I'm not talking about seeing grainy, black and white footage of Jim Brown bowling over honky defensive ends 25 pounds lighter than him. I'm talking guys I've actually seen play live, in Warren's case from college through retirement (a depressing thought for an aging bag of bones like myself). A lot of people will tick off 10 QB's when they list the 10 best ballplayers they have seen which means they watch the ball, they don't actually watch football. The majority of football players go the entire game without touching the ball. The adage is age old but football games are won in the trenches (or amongst the fat fucks which is what us washed-up non-trench players call them).

And Warren was (is) a fucking assassin. Tackle in the NFL means you have two 300+ pounders hitting you every play. Your job is to keep them off the backers, if you make a tackle once in while it is gravy. A sack is your wet dream, something that happens one or two times a year. Warren had close to 100 sacks facing constant double and triple teams (not to mention chipping backs). He is the prototype for the perfect tackle, strong as an ox or two and built like a brick shithouse. I remember the 1995 draft like it was this morning. The Jets were picking high (as usual) and Sapp was the obvious number one pick in terms of talent. We picked 9th. I couldn't believe Warren was still on the board when our turn came up (yes, it is pathetic when your team's most clearn and memorable moments happen in April). So our rep walks to the podium and the excitement is Christmas morning as a five year old times ten. Of course we select...Kyle Brady. We didn't want Sapp because he had tested positive for................marijuana. Weed. Dope. Grass. Cheeba. Herb. Greenage. Doobage. Schtoobage. Whatever the fuck you want to call it, talk to Cypress Hill if you need more names for it. We passed on the dominant tackle of the entire generation. Not because he did steroids, not because he did HGH, not because he snorted blow, not because he shot up smack, but because he smoked grass, something I am positive at least 99.999999999999999999% of ballplayers at all levels above Pop Warner have done. So Warren vowed revenge on the teams that passed on him. And he got it, just check his hand for that big shiny ring. Congratulations on retirement Warren, its been a pleasure (until we meet again when we see you on TV with a mic in your hand.........)