Help Wanted

It was perhaps the biggest kick in the nuts I have ever suffered at a live sporting event. Everyone on the 7 train going out to Shea knew better than to think for one second about what came next if we won this one. The tension was so unbearable that people were starting to act weird, like Ghostbusters when it looks like the world is going to end weird. The ride back was even trippier, and not in the wow that tree sure is fucking cool looking way; it was the wow I want this to end so I can finally fall asleep way. There wasn't a hell of a lot of words exchanged, (although one rather rank and drunken bum was just as exasperated as we were that Beltran didn't take a hack), mostly mutterings about never watching baseball again. One statement that my boy Tipper and I did agree on was this: trade Heilman now. The only way guys ever bounce back from something like that is with a change of scenery, otherwise they become mental patients. He ain't gotta go home but he's gotta get the hell out of here.

Fast forward ten months to tonight's barn burner between the Mets and Padres in a rubber game that is a potential October preview. Mets go down, battle back. Go down, battle back. Go down, battle back. Then the asshole who is too good to come out of the bullpen finds himself in the all too familiar position of looking over his shoulder at the winning home run.

Our bullpen is shaky enough as it is with Omar's idiotic decision to re-sign Mota after he failed a juice test. Failing the test means two things. Number one, the guy is a fucking moron since everyone knows you switch to HGH during the season. Number two, and more importantly, you KNOW that his performance last year was enhanced. Newsflash: steroids make you better at sports, whether it is hockey, golf, football, jai alai, dogfighting....it really doesn't matter. They enhance one's performance, hence the name. Don't sign a guy if you know for a fact he isn't going to be as good when he's off the sauce!

But back to Heilman. He acts like he'd rather be at an insurance seminar than on the field. He crumbles in big spots. He hates the organization because they won't let him start. But we can't trade him now because the deadline has passed. I would never advocate assassinating a player (at least not publicly). But if nothing else Tonya Harding taught us that a well placed shot with a crowbar can do wonders. Who's willing to take one for the team (if its your first offense you're looking at max one year in the big house, you can get it down to 8 months with good behavior) and pull a Jeff Gillooly to get rid of this guy for the stretch? Somebody please step up!